Game of Thrones: The Children. A Shot Though the Heart. . .or wherever whores go. . .

Tyrionfathers

Finales are almost always full of surprises and shocking twists and reveals. This episode was no different and of course they left out/made changes so that all of us readers would be angry surprised.

We see Jon walking out to treat with Mance Rayder.  He does it bravely and walks right up to certain death.  Well at least in the books it was certain death, here it looks like they have a tea party (pinkies out Jon Snow!). Mance asks for passage through the Wall for his people to ensure their safety against what is rising (aka the Whitewalkers). During their meeting Mance gives Jon food and drink therefore he’s been offered guest right and it would be a huge deal if he was killed or killed Mance. There have been people who have ignored that sacred agreement in the past and it has resulted in horrific results (The Red Wedding and Craster’s Keep).

During this exchange suddenly Stannis shows up and I have to say this was beautifully shot.  The army sweeping in was impressive. Mance realizes he is surrounded and tells his people to stand down (although how they are supposed to have heard him all over camp I’m unsure). Things that are important here are the facts that Mance refuses to kneel when surrendering and that Jon, although acknowledges that Stannis is the Kings, doesn’t take any crap from him.  Jon is a man of the Night’s Watch and the Night’s Watch is an entity unto it’s own.  They are not suppose to involve themselves in issues not concerning the Wall.

What the Watchlings don’t know

I touched on it last week, but once again, Jon was forced to go out and meet with Mance by people at the Wall that wished him dead.  He was expected to be killed by the Wildlings because of his betrayal of them.  This probably would have occurred as well if Stannis hadn’t shown up like he did. Mance does just want his people to cross.  He has seen just a bit of the horrors that are coming and wants to bring his people to safety past the Wall.  Jon will later come up with a very interesting solution to this problem.

stannis

Now back to The Mountain and Cersei.  I told you last week to not give up on the Viper yet.  The weapon that Oberyn used while fighting Gregor was poisoned with Manticore  venom which is deadly with no known cure. So not only is The Mountain dying– he’s dying an horrific death. Pycelle recommends the milk of the poppy to ease him into an easy death, but Qyburn says that he may know a way to help him.  Against Pycelle’s objections Cersei gives Qyburn permission to work on Gregor.

What the Watchlings don’t know

Qyburn isn’t a Maester.  He was kicked out of the Citadel for experiments he did on the dead and dying and doesn’t have a Maester’s chain.  Cersei however begins using him as her Maester and allows him to experiment on Gregor and other prisoners in the black cells.  Also the Mountain is in great pain from the Manticore venom and in the books his screams can be heard all over the castle.  He was finally moved down to the black cells to muffle the sound. The venom was eating slowly through his skin and nothing they did helped.  Qyburn later brings up a huge skull and claims the Mountain to be dead.  That skull was sent to Dorne as proof of his death, but later Qyburn will trot out a huge man that doesn’t speak, eat, drink or pee named Ser Robert Strong.  Ser Robert also never removes his armor and his face is never seen. If he even has a face.

Everything went Cersei’s way with Pycelle and Qyburn so I guess she figured it was a good time to confront her dad.  Cut to Cersei and Tywin arguing over if she is getting married or not. My thing is that he was trying to marry her to a gay man (here– not so much in the books) so that’s probably her best option.  Loras probably wouldn’t have had an issue with her and Jaime doing it all the time.  One less thing for him to do.

However it was glorious to watch her tell Tywin about her and Jaime. Cersei almost looks like a good mother with her speech about how much she loves Tommen and what she will do to save him from Tywin. She pushes her’s and Jaime’s relationship into his face and then scampers off to have sex with Jaime again. Of course Jaime doesn’t see this for what it is.  Cersei verifying that Jaime is on her side again.  She offers up herself to seal the deal.  She hopes that someone walks in (namely their father) and catches them in the act.

What the Watchlings don’t know

Cersei is the most manipulative person ever.  Oh wait. . .you got that one.  OK then, Jaime is about to be fed up with Cersei and things are about to become interesting for her.  Let’s just say next season laying on a table having sex with Jaime will not be the position that she’s in.

Now we move on to Dany trying to rule Meereen. I’ve said it before and I”ll say it again I hate her story line from now until the end of the 5th book. She’s torn between freeing the slaves and allowing the slaves that want to go back to their masters go back. As it has always been with slavery there are a very few people that are treated well while being captives. They are one of the family and want to go back to that position.  Now that being said the Masters will try to take advantage of this and this is just the start of the bad news for Dany.  Next we see a man crying and delivering his 3 year old little girl’s bones claiming that Drogon flew from the sky and killed her.  Ummmm yeah Dany. . .I got some news for you: you have dragons. . .they are kind of dangerous. I thought you knew that about them.

Her amazing answer to this to lock up the two dragons that she still has some control over.  Cause yeah if you have a vicious animal it helps them if you lock them up on a short chain away from any contact with humans. Also the dragons were the only thing the people of Meereen were afraid of so now the Masters will have even more power to manipulate her. Good job Dany.

What the Watchlings don’t know

Dany is so concerned with the safety of her people that she forgets how to be strong. She forgets that she is a dragon. I’m also going to step into theory land here for a bit. I think the way that dragons are controlled are the same way that the direwolves are controlled. As in they each need a warg to communicate with. Dany doesn’t realize this and doesn’t know how to make this connection with her dragons. I’ve stated it in other places too, but if you don’t want a big spoiler– skip the next sentence: Dany will finally figure out how to warg/communicate with Drogon, Jon Snow will make a connection with Viserion and then the other true Targaryen will get Rhaegal (Tyrion, Aegon, someone yet unknown?).

dragons

Next we get to see the Night’s watch burn their dead.  OK a touching scene for the most part, but they would have stripped the dead. Yes is normal times maybe a dead man would have been buried in his armor or boiled leather, but during war?  Even an officer would be stripped down to his bare skin as to not waste good clothing or armor. OK end rant.

Otherwise this is a touching scene showing the price of war.  Also an important thing is that The Red Woman and Jon look at each other through the fire. The continuation of this scene is just as interesting.  Tormund and Jon talk about how the dead Wildlings should be handled and Tormund tells Jon that Ygritte really loved him.  That he knew because she wanted to kill him. They then have a cryptic exchange about how she belongs to the true North.  Which Jon takes to mean that she needs to be burned next to a heart tree so that she is given back to the old gods.  You can tell that Jon is shaken.

What the Watchlings don’t know

The Red Woman is going to become very interested in Jon Snow in the next bit. In some ways this is good and in some ways this is bad.  Also remember that she’s still dying to burn a king alive to wake the stone dragon and they have Mance Rayder (aka The King Beyond the Wall) in custody now. If you wonder why she’s interested in Jon just Google R+L=J. I haven’t written my theories on all this yet, but there is plenty on the Internet to occupy you for the next few hours/days about that.

Recently Updated6

Jojen, Meera, Hodor, Summer and Bran are trudging along to get to the Three Eyed Crow (or Raven as they call it) and when all seems lost they finally see the Weirwood tree they have been searching for. Seems to easy right? Right. Suddenly “Pirates of the Caribbean”  style a bunch of skeletons pop out of the ice and start attacking them. Bran of course takes over Hodor and begins getting things done. Jojen is yelling for Bran to save himself and then gets stabbed in the stomach numerous times. The Children of the Forest appear and save Bran with fire and Meera slits Jojen’s throat as a mercy killing.  Safe in the tree protected by its magic Bran finds the Three Eyed Crow only to find out that he will still never walk again. (Duh). So he’s reached his goal, he found out that the TEC is some old man with a weirwood growing into him, and Jojen is dead. Yay!  Happy ending!  Hmmm not so much.

What the Watchlings don’t know

So they should have had this guide from from moment they passed over the Wall. The guide’s name is Coldhands and he appears to be a wight, but can talk and seems to be working to help them. He saves them from the attack that is shown in this episode by calling the ravens that he controls to attack the wights. Also he’s probably a dead Stark. And he’s cool.

So in the books Jojen isn’t dead yet.  Now there’s a theory that he is dead, but Bran doesn’t know it yet, but he definitely isn’t dead at this moment in the story.  With George RR Martin supervising I guess that it’ll all work out, but I don’t really see the upside to killing Jojen off early.  Unless maybe his Phineas and Ferb schedule was too demanding.

Ahhh Brienne and Pod.  Our comic relief! Yay for happy times. Right? Oh yeah– we’re watching Game of Thrones.  But wait!  Now she sees Arya.  She’s found a Stark girl!  She’s going to fulfill her vows. All is right. Brienne tells Arya about her sword and Arya tells her about her sword.  They talk about how fighting is fun and they are independent women and such.  Then The Hound shows up and ruins it all. Brienne tells Arya of her vow and The Hound jumps to the wrong conclusion of why they are there. (Best line of the night: Brienne: I’ll take you to safety. The Hound: Safety? Where the f*&k is that?!) Insert fabulous fight scene where Brienne pulls a Mike Tyson and beats The Hound (go Brienne!– kinda– cause I like The Hound too).

Arya takes this time to run off and hide– what she does best and when Brienne and Pod run off to find her she returns to The Hound to check on him.  Quickly she realizes he’s going to die and he begs her to be merciful and end it. Then when she doesn’t he begins saying horrible things to her, yet she still doesn’t. Instead she grabs his money and runs away with it. This exchange between the two of them is more heartbreaking than when Jon watched Ygritte die.  I truly think that The Hound loved Sansa romantically and loved Arya like a sister/daughter. Yes he sucked at showing love, but I feel like they changed him. Sadly Arya still doesn’t care and left him there to rot.

What the Watchlings don’t know

Brienne and Pod never found Arya– she hears rumors that Arya is alive, but never actually finds her. Instead she finds a lovely character named Lady Stoneheart that I really really hope shows up next season. You may have seen the Internet explode with disappointment that she didn’t show up in the finale, but if you missed that let’s just say that I bet you didn’t see her coming.

The Hound/Arya scene does happen though.  However it’s not because of a battle with Brienne, but rather a wound from a fight that festers and she leaves him to die under a tree. It’s uncertain as to whether he actually died or not.

Dude, he kinda has a point

Finally!  Here’s the big moment. Jaime saves Tyrion from execution and they share a loving embrace at the foot of the exit. Thennnnnnnnnn Tyrion gets this calculating look on his face and heads off to visit his daddy. Of course Shea is laying naked in Tywin’s bed and is mostly shocked to see Tyrion in the room. Don’t worry he manages to strangle her with the gold chain she’s wearing. Enter the crossbow from the wall and a trip to the privy.

Tywin is obviously very surprised to be visited by the son that he thinks is locked up waiting for execution. Tywin tries to take control of the situation with forcefulness and flattery. Yeah that doesn’t work so well for him. He calls Tyrion’s bluff and gets a crossbow bolt for his troubles. That doesn’t slow down his mockery of Tyrion so he follows up with another bolt. Varys sees the situation and hurries Tyrion off to the boat. Once he hears the bells he decides to join Tyrion on the boat.

What the Watchlings don’t know

Jaime does save Tyrion and sets him free.  However before parting ways Jaime admits to lying to Tyrion about his wife Tysha.  She wasn’t a whore after all. I explain it more in depth here . This spurs him to go confront Tywin about it, he finds Shea, kills her, then kills Tywin. His shot to Tywin is through the intestines which immediately causes him to poop everywhere.  Tywin tells Tyrion before his death that Tysha went “wherever whores go” which haunts him throughout book 5.

The only other thing is that Varys doesn’t leave yet– he has a few more people to kill before he abandons King’s Landing.  However those people haven’t had huge roles in the show so maybe that’s why they chose this time to let him escape.

Arya has made it to the narrow sea and tries to buy passage on a boat to the Wall to get to Jon, but the ship isn’t going north. When she hears that the ship is going to Braavos she gives the captain the coin she got from Jaqen H’ghar and not only receives passage, but gets a cabin.

What the Watchlings don’t know

Big things are going to happen for Arya next season.  Braavos starts a big new chapter in her life that will change everything for her.

Now just to wait a year for the next season. . .

Game of Thrones: The Laws of Gods and Men. When Peter Dinklage Proved He Deserved Every Award Ever Made.

Let’s get started:

 

So much awesome happens in this episode, but we start out seeing Stannis and Davos meeting with the Iron Bank asking for financial assistance to defeat the Targaryens.  OK so even I found this whole exchange to be mostly boring and Stannis is an emotionless douche which doesn’t help at all.  So. . .

What the Watchlings Don’t Know:

Cersei at this time, or very shortly after this time, has stopped making payments to the Iron Bank.  Not paying the Iron Bank is like not paying Tony Soprano.  It’s not done if you want to stay alive.  So this scene sets up Stannis receiving backing from Braavos and why this would come about.

The other thing you possibly don’t know is that Davos is an honorable and loyal man.  He sees Stannis as someone who not only saved him from death or a life on the wall, but also raised his family to a position of honor.  Because of this he will stick by Stannis no matter how big of a douche he is.

Cut to Asha or whatever they call her on the show (Yara?) trying to save Theon.  We have now exited the book world and have entered a world totally made up by the writers of the show.  Luckily we have shots of gratuitous sex interspersed within this section to distract us from this. I think I’ve mentioned it before, but Iwan Rheon (Ramsey Snow) is a phenomenal actor.  If you haven’t watched BBC’s Misfits you should just to see him in that as well.

Like seriously, daaaaaamn

What this show the Watchlings:

I really think this was just a set up to show how much damage has been done to Theon and how messed up The Bastard is.  Well mission accomplished.

Now we have to have our moment with Dany.  We see Drogon scaring a shepherd boy and burning and killing sheep which looks awesome.  Drogon has grown and is super scary now.  The Dragons are no longer cute little mascots.  We also see her trying to rule and we see that it sucks to have to do all this.  Now we understand why The Hand takes care of so much for the King in Westeros.

What the Watchlings don’t know:

A shepherd also comes to her claiming that Drogon killed his child and Dany is so horrified that this happened that she begins to take steps to cage her dragons. . .which goes as one would expect. The good news is that they are speeding up this story line a lot so maybe it won’t suck as much as it does in the books.

Ahhhh and now we are getting to the good stuff.  We get a little taste of Oberyn’s sharp tongue and get to see how stupid Cersei is. (Seriously. “baby dragons”?  Yeah things grow. . .sooo they are probably not going to always be baby dragons). Also I feel like Varys is pretty openly showing contempt for her (even though she doesn’t notice) and that Tywin also shows that he knows that his daughter is an idiot.  I think I love Oberyn more in the show than I do in the books.  Don’t get me wrong, he’s great in the books too, but Pedro Pascal really brings the character to life.  I find it interesting that Varys seems to dislike Oberyn.

What the Watchlings don’t know:

I’ve mentioned it before, but it bears saying again.  Oberyn is known as a formidable knight.  He’s in King’s Landing with the expressed interest of getting revenge for the murder of his sister and sister’s children.  And when I say murder I mean that his sister’s infant son had his brains bashed in then she was raped by Gregor Clegane while he still had bits of her son’s brain on his hands.  Then her and her daughter was just as brutally murdered as well.  So he’s got an ax to grind and is biding his time.

Finally we see the trial begin.  Jamie fetches Tyrion and is obviously upset that he is escorting his brother to this farce of a trial.  Jamie has followed what is best for his family all his life, but now he can’t do that without hurting someone who not only is family too, but whom he loves just as fiercely. We watch Tommen adorably step down from the trial and then Tyrion becomes the smartass that we know he is.  One by one people give witness to Tyrion’s motivation to kill Joffery and “proof” that Tyrion did it.  Obviously we know that Tyrion didn’t do it (and so does Margaery and her face is great to watch as all this unfolds). Almost everything that is told is the truth, but with a ridiculous spin on it leaving out all the parts that make them look bad. The final nail in the coffin is Shea’s testimony where she states that she knows that Sansa and Tyrion plotted the death of Joffery because she heard them planning.  She also makes it sound as if Tyrion took advantage of her and she wasn’t really just a whore.

Here’s where is gets really good.  Jamie has tried to fix it up so that Tyrion will live no matter what and he tells Tyrion to hold his tongue and ask to be sent to the wall when he is declared guilty.  So of course Tyrion responds to this with the most epic passion filled speech ever known.  Shea has just ripped his heart out so he lets everyone have it. And it is glorious.

He ended this rousing speech by asking for a trial by combat instead of continuing with this joke.  You can see Jamie wanting to throttle Tyrion for doing all this.  All I can say is that Peter Dinklage made it happen.  You can see the anger, the emotion, you want to cry for him, hug him, tell him that he is loved.

What the Watchlings don’t know:

You pretty much got it all here.  Just know that in two weeks (maybe three) Tyrion will make it happen once more and people will be cheering all across the lands.

The previews for next week promise a lot of action and perhaps some Dany/Daario sex. Maybe we’ll get to see if Emilia Clarke really did declare that she would do no more nude scenes.

Major Character Deaths: 0 (but it’s not looking good for Tyrion)

Boob Count: 3 pairs